How To Have A Memorable Time Grocery Shopping:
(Estimate how long the shopping will take. Pad that by about 3 hours.)
1. Take all of your children with you. Forget to feed them first.
2. Try to find a parking space for your 11 seat suburban. Consider volunteering yourself for clinical trials of blood pressure medicine after the Trader Joe’s.
3. Decide which section of the grocery store has the employees you’d like to get to know better. Plan your crash course in cart maneuvering there. Note: the wine guys are way more understanding than you’d think when you break a bottle of red wine with your cart.
4. Answer a million request for “Can we buy….?” ranging from the insane (live lobsters) to the hilarious (Our Lady of Guadalupe toenail clippers) to the completely out-of-the-question-what-planet-are-you-from (any food marketed by Disney Princesses).
5. Let the kids pick the fruit. Put back the 12 pineapples and add two bunches of bananas to the cart instead.
6. Try to compose an upbeat and chipper reply to every person who says, “Boy, you have your hands full.” After the 15th time, it’s OK to start recycling the replies. Or resort to dirty looks.
7. Let your kids get the samples. Refuse to buy anything called Cookie Butter.
8. Get to the check stand and realize you forgot the reusable bags. Weigh your options of 1) going back to the car to get them with all the kids in tow or 2) paying 10 cents a bag for the ones the store offers.
9. Check out completely, get your receipt (which the checker may or may not have just referred to as a scarf) and the coloring papers and stickers and lollipops and anything else the grocery store has offered to the children who act as if their lives would end without a scratch-n-sniff chocolate sticker.
10. Decline help to the car, because at this point you’re clinically insane.
11. Get to the car and realize that the checker did not check the bottom of the cart and you have just shoplifted four dozen eggs and two gallons of milk. Have an ethical debate in your head.
12. Go back into the store to pay for the extra items. Come out with more stickers.
13. Go home. Unload the car. Put the children in front of PBS kids. Pour the wine.
How To Have An Efficient Time Grocery Shopping:
1. Leave the kids at home.